Friday, September 5, 2014

How to make friends

Today is Friday. Today I feel very much like a fart in a bath.

I have been back in Toronto for the last month and a half, and as of yet have not made any new friends. How does one "meet new people"? I have searched far and wide for advice regarding this. It seems that what Cosmopolitan lacks advice-wise in this department, it makes up for in ways to spice up your sex life using everyday household objects (just put some Windex on it).

So I've come up with my own list. If I could make friends, this is how I would do it:
  • At my local coffee shop, I would order my coffee without asking how my very attractive looking African American cashier takes his coffee. I would not interrupt him, mid-response, to tell him that "I like my coffee black, just like my metal, and my men" because my opinion is clearly unsolicited and a little racially insensitive 
  • I would not look over a person's shoulder on my bus ride home because their book seems interesting, and move closer yet as they make eye-contact with me eerily and scoot away 
  • I would avoid suggesting Dostoyevsky's Crime & Punishment as a "fun alternative" to the girl looking at The Fault in Our Stars at Indigo Books 
  • I will avoid calling my new friend, "my little pig" because though it's endearing in French, it's not so much in English 
  • I would not sing to Third Eye Blind, loudly, and in public 
  • Finally, I will not eat kimchi before Yoga 
  • I will not-----
Ok, wait. 
I like Dostoyevsky. And Third Eye Blind is fucking awesome. 
I like making pet names for people and often, they are insensitive. 
Apart from kimchi+yoga (a bad idea), why do I need to alter these parts of myself that are integral to my personality? I could be more inconspicuous in reading people's books over their shoulder, but I will probably continue doing it anyway, because I like knowing what other people read and how they take their coffee. 

It's safe to say there are certain aspects of one's personality that cannot and, more importantly, should not change in order to fit a mould in a friendship. If you feel like you need to be a carefully crafted version of yourself with others, something needs to be evaluated. Is a friendship worth hiding a piece of yourself? I'd hope not. 
I would love to make friends now that I've moved back home, especially as a new transfer student. And I'm sure it will come in time. Right? RIGHT?!
When I do make new friends, I will make sure I buy the good toilet paper for when they come over to my apartment, and we will talk about Tina Fey and eat cheese because both are SO GOUDA. 

How do you make new friends? Have you ever felt the need to change accordingly to them? Is it difficult, or does it come naturally?